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Dealing
with problems in relationships is a large part of the
counseling process. In counseling singles,
whether divorced or never married, the question of how
to build a healthy male/female relationship invariably
comes up. For some that have been in very
destructive relationships, the idea of a healthy
relationship may seem unattainable. For others,
they may have seen healthy relationships modeled, but
do not know how to get there themselves. Most of
us get involved in male/female relationships. Many get
involved in relationships that do not work out. For
some, unhealthy relationships become a pattern.
Often I am asked the question, "How do I build a
healthy relationship?"
Let's
look at nine factors that I believe will help in
building a healthy relationship; a relationship that
could lead to a successful and happy marriage.
1)
The level of commitment and the level of intimacy need
to stay in balance.
Far too often in a relationship, the level of intimacy
exceeds the level of commitment. In his book,
Money, Sex and Power, Richard Foster uses a diagram to
illustrate the importance of commitment and intimacy
proceeding slowly and in balance. When this does
not occur a relationship is doomed to failure.
Intimacy without commitment will destroy a
relationship.
2)
It is essential to build a strong level of trust.
For many people trusting others is difficult. Some
have been hurt by past relationships. Others have
barriers that keep them from being able to trust. A
couple needs to be aware of the obstacles to building
trust. Building trust is a process. It involves taking
a risk; if our partner responds in a favorable way, we
are encouraged to risk again. Step by step,
barriers are broken down and trust begins to take
their place. This may take time, but it must happen
for a healthy relationship to be built.
3)
A healthy relationship is developed slowly.
We tend to rush everything, and it takes time to get
to know someone. There are no shortcuts. I
believe that it takes at least one year of dating for
a couple to know each other well enough to consider
marriage. There seems to be something about
going through the seasons and the events of a year
that allows us to see the real person, not just the
image to which we may have been originally attracted.
4)
It is important to understand the role that God wants
us to play in our relationship.
Unrealistic expectations will kill a relationship. We
live in a society and a culture that does not do a
very good job of portraying healthy, realistic
expectations for a relationship. There are needs
that God wants you to meet for your partner, that he
will equip you to meet and there are needs that only
God can meet. We must not look to any person to
meet the needs that God wants to meet for us Himself.
We must realize our limitations and not step outside
of our God given roles.
5)
"Baggage" must be addressed.
Baggage could be defined as all the unhealthy
"stuff" that we may carry from one
relationship to another. An example of this
might be negative thought patterns or destructive
behaviors that may be a way of dealing with stress.
This baggage may go back to our family of origin; the
family in which we grew up. We may have
unresolved issues from a previous marriage or dating
relationship. Whatever the source of our
baggage, if it is not dealt with, it will affect our
new relationship. For many people, professional
counseling is helpful in identifying issues and
resolving them.
6)
Forgiveness is essential to a healthy relationship.
No matter how much we love someone, we all mess up.
We are all human and we all make mistakes. We
must be able to give and receive forgiveness.
Any relationship without the aspect of forgiveness is
not healthy and will not survive.
7)
Our personal relationship with God is essential.
God must be first in our life. This is the only way it
will work. When we are looking to God as the source
for meeting our needs, we are able to see a
relationship as an added blessing in our life. We are
not expecting a relationship to meet needs it was not
designed to meet and things are in proper order.
8)
We must be committed to Jesus Christ as a couple.
Scripture warns us about be "unequally
yoked." A follower of Christ should not be
in a marriage with someone who is not. Marriage
is ordained by God and to follow His plan for
marriage, a couple needs to be on the same page
spiritually. Marriage takes a lot of work and if
we are coming from different places spiritually, there
will be problems. I know that I jumped from
talking about a "dating" or premarital
relationship to the marital relationship, but every
marriage started with that first date. Dating someone
who is committed to Christ should be an absolute
standard for every Christian.
9)
Our relationships should honor Jesus Christ. Do
we show each other the respect that Christ would want
us to? Do we encourage each other to grow in our
faith? Do we set time aside to grow spiritually
together through Bible Study, devotional reading,
worship and prayer? Are you willing to commit as
a couple to spiritual growth together?
How
do we build healthy relationships? Learn from our past
mistakes. Follow the lessons to be learned from
each of the factors above. It takes work and
time to build a healthy male/female relationship that
may proceed to marriage but the results are well worth
the effort.
C.F.
"Kim" Kimbeling, Jr., D.Min.
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