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In
recent decades there has been an alarming increase in
the divorce rate. In 1900, approximately eight percent
of all marriages ended in divorce. By the 1990's the
rate had jumped to an all time high.
Conservative estimates indicate that for every two
couples marrying, one makes it and one ends in
divorce. Many say this is due to the fact that
this generation of adults were themselves children
from divorced homes. They are living out the poor
relationship skills modeled by their parents.
Others attribute the high divorce rate to the poor
moral climate of our country, the reduction in family
values, or dual income households spending less
quality "family time" at home. Whatever the
causes, the result is children having to cope with
poor relationship choices of their parents.
Though
parents are seldom in the emotional and psychological
condition to help their children through the trauma of
divorce, it is essential that parents help position
their children in a healthy environment where they can
begin to deal with some of the conflicting emotions
they are likely experiencing.
Researchers
have identified a wide range of results and responses,
both immediate and long term, of children experiencing
the divorce of their parents. Complications
exist for children of all ages, but the affects of
divorce can often be more visible during adolescent
years. Teens may respond in multiple and varied
ways to the news of their parent's divorce, including
denial, shame or embarrassment, blame or guilt, fear,
relief, insecurity or low self-esteem, grief,
depression, or alienation and loneliness.
Divorcing
parents should recognize these responses as fairly
typical and normal. They shouldn't, however, allow
these responses to go unattended. When the parents'
emotional reaction to the divorce prohibits them from
assisting their children through the family conflict,
it is necessary to find someone who can help the
child.
WHERE
CAN PARENTS TURN...
Conflict
can cause a family to isolate themselves from those
who love them most, and divorce is no exception.
Parents must realize that they are not required or
expected to cope with the conflict alone, and neither
are their children. There are many excellent resources
available to families. I would like to suggest
resources that have helped many people:
The
Church:
In Matthew 11:28, Jesus said, "Come to me all who
are weary and heavy laden and you can find rest from
the trials of life." Because some churches
have a tendency to "shoot their wounded,"
many people in crisis have come to believe that the
church is the last place they would feel safe going
and in seeking help with a problem like divorce.
Jesus, however, never rejected anyone coming to him
seeking healing and restoration from the troubles of
life. Jesus didn't condone the poor choices of people,
but he never turned away anyone truly seeking help.
Healthy churches following Jesus' example don't turn
away people seeking help. In light of poor
choices, Jesus always offered forgiveness, healing and
restoration. (See John 4) The church was established
to further this healing ministry that Jesus modeled.
Due
to embarrassment, shame, and the desire to keep their
private family matters hidden, many active Christian
teens may begin to shy away from church. For many
teens, this is the first and greatest struggle of
their young lives. Parents can recognize this tendency
and take steps to insure their family remains
surrounded by the church support system. Being open
and honest with those in leadership who can help will
allow the whole family to receive the help they need.
In John 16:33, Jesus also tells us that in this world
we will experience very trying and difficult times. A
divorce may be a child's first traumatic event, but it
certainly will not be their last. God promises to work
all things, even divorce, to the good of those who
love him. (Romans 8:28) God doesn't like
divorce, but he will use the traumatic event to
develop his eternal character in the lives of those
who let him. Children of divorce must realize their
need to draw nourishment and character from God, not
retreat from His presence. For the sake of their
children, parents need to seek out a church home for
their family that promotes restoration and healing.
Christian
Counseling:
If a family's needs go beyond what the ministry of a
healthy church can offer alone, the help of a
professional Christian counselor may be warranted.
There are support groups and therapy groups available
to those wanting to deal with the aftermath of a
divorce. Though many believers feel that asking
for help reflects a lack of faith, it really is a sign
of faith. Trusting God to take us through a
process of healing and restoration requires tremendous
faith. Openly admitting the fact that help is
needed will likely be one of the most difficult, yet
faithful, things a parent will ever do.
Your
situation may be serious but it is not hopeless.
With God, His Church, and the help of other caring
professionals that God has provided as resources,
parents and their children can experience life even
during the dark times of divorce.
Jeff
Stewart, M.S.
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