Often by the time a married couple reaches my office for counseling they have become enemies. Harsh words have been said, expectations have not been met, there is little if any trust, and they find themselves in an emotional divorce. They look at counseling as a last ditch effort to save something that has been dying for a long time. What started out as a relationship full of hopes, dreams, and promise has turned into a battleground. They view each other as adversaries and treat each other as such. How did they get there and how do we keep our marriages from becoming just another divorce statistic added onto a growing pile? Let’s look at two points that can make a difference. 

     The first point is that a married couple needs to look at each other as a team. Every married couple will face difficulties. They will not always agree on issues. There will be times of conflict and tension. They will go through normal life experiences that are stressful and difficult. They have a choice. They can either let these times pull them apart or they can approach them together as a team. God designed marriage to give us companionship and intimacy not separation and isolation. The book of Ecclesiastes gives us a great picture of the marriage relationship approached as a team. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” This last line gives us the picture of three strands bound together: the husband, the wife, and God. A couple united in marriage as a team can not only succeed but can have a fulfilling and satisfying marriage.

     The second point deals with each person in the marriage taking responsibility for him or her self. Far to often I see husbands and wives that are not going to change or apologize until the other makes the first move. This can leave a couple stuck for a long time. Let me suggest a different approach. What if each day you asked God to guide you in your marriage as a husband or a wife? What if each day you asked God to help you focus on what He wants you to do in relation to your spouse? Then your approach to marriage becomes an act of obedience to God. At the end of the day it really does not matter what your spouse has done or not done, your focus has been on what God has guided you to do. This allows us to look at our spouse through God’s eyes and that alone will make a difference.

     No one ever said marriage was easy. It takes time and work. Yet, I strongly feel that there is no other relationship in this life next to our relationship with Christ that can be more fulfilling than the marriage relationship. If you are stuck or are on the road to becoming enemies, together covenant for thirty days to implement these two points into your lives. If you do it will make a difference.

C.F. “Kim” Kimberling, Ph.D.

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